Milk from young billy........errr......from young billy goats that is, is what makes our jelly so 'lubricapable.'        - Dr.Ken Break Out The Rubber Gloves!!!

Professor Higgie Higdon speaking, just wanted to fill you in on my much anticipated course, PETROLEUM JELLYING!!!   It takes a special someone to hold on and clasp this course. Maturity is a MUST!!!
Exorbitant amounts of noxious chemicals are being hauled around our state-of-the-art factory in forty-five year old red wagon scooters. We can't have tightlipped apprehensive jackasses running around the premises in their pajamas tipping over the carts and contaminating the premises. If you want to do that I suggest you take your toe jam and bed lice to Dr. Ken,our school nurse. He'll have you straightened out in no time.

Undeniably, class instruction will take place. It is here where I'll teach you the subjects that are ever so crucial in the understanding of what it takes to become a petroleum jellyist. The backgrounds of tomato pasting, honey necturing, and vegetablistic relishing will be covered extensively. The advancements our industry has made over the years will be taught as well; from the days of harnessing baskets of that sweet red fruit on the backs of cattle(as cattle was our only means of transportation when we lived with those dammned nomads in MooseJaw) to now where we haul our product around the country in refrigerated 18-wheel trucks.

The responsibilities of the job are sure to be covered. Why, a whole nation depends on us! Not just from the homosexual persuasion, but the self gratifying folks as well. If there was ever a responsibility to drill into your heads most though it's this -- DON'T SCREW UP!!!
Mankind depends on his PETROLEUM JELLY! Without it, the world as we know it will come crashing to a SCREECHING HALT!!!!!

- Higgie Higdon