The good Doctor has his very own Q&A section, "The Files of Doctor Ken". Little kiddies such as yourself write in with your most private and vulgar questions, and Dr. Ken, with all his "doctory" knowledge, will answer them to the best of his ability. To ask Dr. Ken a question yourself, just e-mail him at cck_registrar@hotmail.com. -- CCK Registrar

You know all those questions you have that you feel uncomfortable asking your parents, teachers, or sexual therapists?  Well now there's someone who's so amoral that he'll answer any question, no matter how vile or insipid!  That person is, of course, Dr. Ken, P.H.D.  I.C.U.P. now on to the questions... But please, no barbeque sauce questions, Dr. Ken had a bad experience with barbeque sauce a while back, and he doesn't want to have to repeat the repression therapy that took so many months from his life. -- Boo Boo, as translated by Lionel K. Humphry

Dear Dr. Ken:

My diet consists of 4 daily meals of starchy roots and melba toast.  Is this okay?

Little Billy Cassidy, Winnepeg, Manitoba

Well, my astute child, the basis for all good nutritional health is 4 daily heaping glasses of milk.  It seems to me that this is lacking in your diet.  Anyhoo, access to the milk straight from a holstein's udder would prove to be an excellent source of vitamins A - D, and will provide a little boy's body like yours the necessary minerals needed for the strengthening of bones and teeth.  Suck it up, Little Billy!

Dear Dr. Ken:

My kitten Cuddles is real sick.  What do you suggest?

Little Tammy Greene, Halifax, Nova Scotia

I suggest a .357 Magnum.

Dear Dr. Ken:

Are you affiliated with the KKK or any other white-power groups?

Little Harvey Dent, Bream, Gloucestershire

Why you little son of a bitch!  How dare you accuse me of such hanous acts of brutality and cowardice!  I am truly shocked and shagrined!  Why don't you come here so I can personally kick your little ass to the wilds of Australia and feed your carcass to the ones who play the digereedoo!

Dear Dr. Ken:

9 out of 10 doctors reccomend Crest™ over all other leading brands of toothpaste.  What do you reccomend?

Little Angus Hill, Regina, Sasketchewan

I'm the son of a bitch tenth doctor!

Dear Dr. Ken:

I heard that seagull droppings taste good, but when I tried some, it didn't.  What's the deal?

Little Petey Zuztrubon, Chicago, Illinois

Oh, you must have read my colleague's book, "Superstar's Secrets of Pickling Animal Droppings, Vol.III".  You simply forgot to peel off the skin-like layer on the top.  Don't fret though, I have e-mailed you a vaccuum-sealed package of pre-skinned animal droppings for your gastronomic delights.

Dear Dr. Ken:

My doctor touched me.  I liked it.  Is this okay?

Little Homer Thompson, Witchita, Kansas

You should be worried if your doctor doesn't touch you.

Dear Dr. Ken:

Thank you ever so much for the vaccuum-sealed package of various animal droppings.  As I suspected, I especially enjoyed the seagull's.  Once again, thank you.

Little Petey Zuztrubon, Chicago, Illinois

Where do you live, boy?  Up a goat's ass!?  You stupid son of a bitch!  You can't send "vaccuum-sealed packages of animal droppings" over the Internet!  Get a damn life!

Dear Dr. Ken:

Please explain the proper way to undress a fruit.  I heard you're a pro.

Little Dent Rutherford, Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia

First, you take your fruit and put it in your palms.  Caress it like there's no tomorrow.  Show your fruit that you really care for it, and how you are willing to succumb to its wishes and desires if need be.  Then, slowly peel off the outer layer of clothing, er, I mean, skin; yeah, that's it.  Yeah, like the skin of an apple (*whew*).  Then, uh..., I guess you can just peel it down and eat it up, and, uh..., throw away the core when you're done.

Dear Dr. Ken:

Why does my piss smell so bad after I eat asparagus?

Little Joanie Toast, Pickering, Ontario

Why the hell are you sniffing your piss?  Oh well, sniff on, piss sniffer.

Dear Dr. Ken:

When I open up a can of peaches, it smells like peaches.  How come when I open up a can of whoop-ass on my sister, it smelled like day old tuna?

Little Frankie Williams, Nanaimo, British Columbia

Well, my child, some people just don't understand the concept of having a good ole' bath after a hard day's work.  Especially a frustrating day's work on the farm, in which, for some reason or another, you keep dropping your recently picked apples out of the basket.  Anyway, next time, wait two weeks, or better yet, just open up a can of whoop-ass on your grandmother.  There shouldn't be any problems there.

Dear Dr. Ken:

What does urine taste like?

Little Laura Slessenger, Baden-Solingen, Germany

A cross between aspartame and riboflavin.

Dear Dr. Ken:

How do porcupines make love?

Little Randy Smith, Orange County, Floreda

During my years on the Serengeti plains of Africa, I watched many an animal give their loved ones some sweet, sweet sugar.  While in the frozen Siberian tundra, I watched the snowshoe hare mate... and give each other some sugar.  While in the temperate forests of the Appalachians, I watched 12 different species of blue-assed flies mate... and give each other sugar.  In my many years, travelling every corner of the globe, I have yet to see one of your porcupines make love.  I can promise you this though, I will find out the proper techniques, so you, little Randy can fulfill your dreams and eventually partake in one of natures greatest rituals.  HALLELUIAH!!

Dear Dr. Ken:

At what age should I stop sleeping with my parents?

Little Thor Johannsson, Marietta, Georgia

Stop?  Hell, I still do.

Dear dr. Ken:

I was playing baseball with my friends about a week ago when I fell into a ditch.  I skinned my knee on an old tin can, and now it hurts real bad.  What should I do?

Little Timmy Rodrigez, Vladivostok, Russia

FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU COMMIE SON OF A BITCH!!!  "DOCTOR" IS SPELLED WITH A FUCKING CAPITAL "D"!!!  WHAT THE HELL DO THEY TEACH YOU IN YOUR FUCKING COMMIE SCHOOLS!?!?  I AM PERSONALLY GOING TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND TEAR OPEN YOUR BELLY WITH MY BARE HANDS!  AND GUESS WHAT? I'M GOING TO BRING YOUR STILL-STEAMING ENTRAILS BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND ME AND THE 'PREZ ARE GOING TO HAVE A 10-COURSE FEAST WITH WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR BODY!!!  DEMOCRCY WORKS, TIMMY, SO YOU'D BETTER WATCH YOUR LITTLE WHITE ASS!!!

Dear Dr. Ken:

My pants are too tight.  Please help me loosen them.

Little Johnny Wilkins, Wragby, Lincolnshire

I'll leave that up to your local clergyman, little Johnny.

Dear Dr. Ken:

My mommy says that Jimmy's dad is a "Chester".  What's that?

Little Jenny Wyne, Sierra Blanca, Texas

Well, my child, sometimes mommies and daddies say things about other people because they're mean.  And sometimes mommies and daddies do things that aren't considered "normal".  I know when I'm snooping around the local school-bus stop getting ready to snatch, er... I mean...  Say hi to all the little boys and girls that I would never let myself get into such a predicament as that with.  Yeah, that'll do...  Amen to that little Jenny, Amen to that!

Dear Dr. Ken:

I have a bad case of the "grippers".  I've tried using that unenvietable device known as the "Big 'E'", but it didn't work.  What do you suggest?

Little Jack Hoffman, Edinburgh, Scotland

I suggest little Jack, and this is speaking from prior experience, the old adage "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again"!