And The Hunt Is On For The King Of The Beasts
Muncho Lake, BC (CCKP) -- There's a legend in local Muncho Lake folklore. Deep in the Montane-Cordillera forests of British Columbia there lives a beast. No, it's not your attractive cousin, your moustached grandmother, or even your 3-legged dog. It's the wild... the untamed... the mysterious... the ever delirious -- the mighty ORGANTUIN!!!
Through the ages of time this mammoth creature has thrived, and survived through harsh winters, dank springs, fervent summers -- nothing has been able to stop the prodigious ORGANTUIN until now!
Kitty Del Ray, the Whoop-Ass Brigade Dispatcher for the Muncho Lake Campus, had this to say, ".....Yeah dear, it's true. We have captured an ORGANTUIN. Unfortunately though dear, we can't disclose any information relating to the capture and detainment. I did hear from my bingo buddy Edna though, dear, that that Vern Quassa, dear, knows a whole hoot'n'nanny lot about the beasts. I think he's some strange though, dear, that there with his 'Thank-you for this and thank-you for that' and his 'take your vitamin, say your prayer' type of attitude. Yeah dear, that Vern is some sick twisted character..."
-- It was at this point in the interview that the lights went out. Horrified as to what could happen in a dark confined room with a middle aged woman named "Kitty" as my only company, I hastily got out of my chair and searched for the light. After groping the walls for what seemed like an eternity, I finally found it. But as I went to flick the switch, the lights inexplicably came back on. I was fine, but to my chagrin, I found poor Kitty laying inanimate on the floor. She wasn't dead, although she probably wished she was. You see, when I found her, Kitty had assumed the fetal position, with a puddle of drool near her arse-end. As would be expected, Miss Kitty Del Ray was not able to continue.
Just this past Monday, a report came in from a nearby provincial park, which will remain unnamed. Apparently, an encounter took place between an elephantine ORGANTUIN and a camping clergyman on a misty night around sundown. Pastor-in-training Aidan Neville recalls, "I was just over there by the trees (pointing to a dark secluded area) in the tent with Little Timmy when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes this beastie. Well, something was up, so I put my pants back on, went outside and took a look-see. He didn't attack me or anything like that, which was strange for a beastie, but he sure had a lot to say. Now I'm not sure, but I believe I heard him utter the following limerick in what I believe was a bastersized form of the English language:
"Like I said, I was scared and didn't want to get hurt. So hearing as he had to get himself some jelly, I scurried around in my carry-on bag looking for my spare tub with the hope of using it as some sort of bribe. Fortunately, by the time I did find it (in little Timmy's hands, I might add) the ORGANTUIN had left. I'd never been that relieved in my life. Well, except for the time Brother Angus went down on me in the Meals-on-Wheels van. Whew! What a night"
So what's the deal with these ORGANTUINS? Innocent victims in an ever-changing society? Who's to say. A movie-of-the-week in the making? Possibly. A hostile terrorist act directed at the Muncho Lake campus? A very definite maybe. Until more information comes in, these questions will remain unanswered and the mystery unsolved. Stay tuned for further developments.