CCK Monkeys Run Amok.
Churchill, Manitoba (CCKP) -- Just when you thought everything at the CCK was tickety-poo, we at the CCK Post have some terrible news to pass along to our loyal internet readers. We regret to announce that the entire medical wing of the CCK's central campus in Churchill, Manitoba, has been taken over by a vengeful mob of Dr. Ken's simian associates.
It seems this whole rigamaroo started less than a month ago, shortly after Dr. Ken left the monkeys in charge while he went overseas to offer his special brand of services for the events surrounding Erotic Week in Otto, Norway. The monkeys, having suffered for years under the iron fist and titanium sphincter of Dr. Ken, seized the opportunity to stage their rebellion during his absence. Making their plans even sweeter was the fact that Dr. Ken's wooden-constructed and potash-laced steamboat capsized during its return voyage, and the Grand Supreme Chancellor Sheldon MacKinnon has susequently left the premesis to lend a helping hand in the salvage operations.
Ah, now we get to the meat and potatos of the matter... Shortly after the Grand Supreme Chancellor left, strange things started happening in the medical wing. Firstly, Dr. Ken's strange fetish with genetic engineering was made public through an anonymous tipper (who was just recently revealed to be one of the chimps-in-question). It seems the monkeys were trying to tarnish the Doctor's good name by implicating him as some kind of crazy "genetic manipulation" freak. Well, actually, the fact remains that that is the truth, but no one would have found out if it wasn't for the monkeys.
After destroying Dr. Ken's reputation, the monkeys went on to Phase II of their plan: physically taking over Dr. Ken's former abode; the Halls of Academia lovingly referred to as the "The Doc's Rockin' Groove Paddy", or more commonly, the "medical wing". Apparently, the monkeys have been associating with illegal arms dealers, however, the Whoop-Ass Brigade was unable to do anything about it because the CCK charter explicitly states that "illegal" means "good". Anyhoo, the monkeys outfitted themselves with numerous AK-47s, and numerous Chinese fractionation granades, and numerous pairs of MUMMIE's extra-warm wool mittens in case their poor little hands got cold. It wasn't long before the carnage began, and without any prior warning, the monkeys held between 12 and 14,000 lab animals hostage, ranging all the way from lab mice to slightly larger lab mice.
In return for the little critters' lives, the motley crew of monkeys demanded complete and utter control of the entire CCK medical wing; the whole kit and caboodle. Luckily for them, the temporary leader of the CCK at the time of the hostage-taking was the unpredictale Sheik Shmike Al-Fayed, who for reasons still unknown, gave the monkeys all their demands, then went and killed about half the the lab animals anyway. Shortly after this incident the Sheik was evicted from his position of Temporary Chancellor, and the position has been vacant ever since. Oh Great Unholy Supreme Chancellor, when shall ye return from whence ye came? Thy art lost without thou guiding hand...
Cripes! I haven't had a religious flashback like that since the late sixties! I'll have to get in touch with local Pastor-in-training Aidan Neville to see what that was all about; maybe it was that medicinal marijuana the gals at the Shoppers Drug Mart gave me other day... or was it metamucil? I get the two mixed up all the time. Then again, that would explain why I woke up in a ditch the day after I had the constipation...
What? Monkeys? What the hell are you talk-- Oh yeah! So anywho, the Whoop-Ass Brigade have been on the stake-out over here on the medical wing for the last 72 hours, and I believe they've got a list out of the monkeys-in-question. Included in their ranks are the following (ranked in terms of guiltiness):
- Boo Boo
- Mister Tickles
- Randolph Cornelius III
- Tickles Jr.
Ah yes, even the intrepid Boo Boo, fighter of Scavies and lover of all things fine and dandy, was not immune to the enticing taste of revenge. Perhaps he'll be let off easy for all the work he's done for the good of the school, but that's for the courts to decide. The situation here at the medical wing has cooled down over the last day or two, and negotiations are starting between the two sides (with the help of Linguisticks expert and overall smart-ass Lionel K. Humphrey). Hopefully in the following days, weeks, and months, I, humble CCK Post Staff Reporter Hap Torbay will have more upbeat stories to report to you, but for now, I'll leave you with the monkey's battle cry, which has been ingrained in the hearts and minds of all who have heard it: