THE SUPREME CHANCELLOR AND DR. KEN RETURN!
Mysterious Brown-Haired Horse's Identity Revealed
Churchill, Manitoba (CCKP) -- Below is the official press release of Supreme Chancellor MacKinnon's return voyage statement:
"Yes, I am back! My trip lasted much much longer than expected. So much so that I neglected to consider the reprocussions of what an extended leave of absence could cause to a campus on an absent-minded university. Many an event has occured during my absence, so I would like to take this oppurtunity to clear these issues up.
First off, the capsizition of the S.S Heartbreak. We were successful in finding and subsequently rescuing the other 43 passengers. Unfortunately, why the vessel capsized has yet to be determined. Labratory analysis suggests that turpentine and C-4 plastic explosives played a role in the sinking, however, I must stress that these findings are still only preliminary. Rest assured my subjects, I will get to the bottom of this, and so forth, have decided to send a special operational criminology unit of the Whoop-Ass Brigade to the site of the wreck for further investigation. I promise you the devil who dared to striketh a match in my face shall see thy face of scourn. All commeth! Thy trumpet from thy heavens distant and set refuge a' yonder for he who happeth thy vile saint? Abracadath thy trubador of the wind! Abracadath!
Secondly, Shiek Shmike Al-Fayed. Shmike, you let me down. The way you handled the monkey takeover of the medical wing in my absence has left a sour taste in my mouth. You are now officially relieved of your duties. To you folks out there in Internet land, don't worry; you're suffering is over and pay back is here. By the time you read this an Ass-Whooper from the Brigade will have been sent out to Shiek Shmike's locale. While there, I instructed the Brigadeer to drag the Shiek to a nearbye barn and render him unconcious. Payback is sweet my subjects!
Thirdly, BRUCE. Many of you have questions in regards to this gay and mysterious brown-haired horse. While you are free to think for yourself, I myself must question the sincerity behind the negative comments coming in through the mail. Claiming that there's "no room for a horse of Bruce's character" on the campus is taking the easy way out. Questioning the moral integrity of both myself and Dr. Ken for welcoming this (and I quote) "beastie" to the CCK community is nothing more than childish. Why, on the flight home, I have grown quite fond of the little guy and wish him and Dr. Ken the best of luck together. Give him a chance folks; you're sure to appreciate what he can offer.
Fourthly, the monkeys. While I'm no less than disappointed in the incompetance displayed by Shiek Shmike and the actions of Boo Boo and his simian associates, I hope nevertheless that they (the monkeys) and Dr. Ken can come to some kind of understanding. It's important for the CCK to get back to its "tickety-poo" atmosphere. Afterall, it's tourism season; we can't have monkeys running amok! With the intervention of Lionel K. and myself, I think an agreement is more than likely. Time is our only enemy.
As for what Dr. Ken had to say, I suggest you just read it for yourself:
"Home at last, home at last, thank the fine Supreme Chancellor we're home at last!!!!!
However, Boo Boo, Mister Tickles, Rinky Dinky, and the rest of you god-damned monkeys, you will pay dearly for for what you've done to the good doctor; disobeying his orders and ruining his well respected reputation. With G.O.D. as my witness, I will strike your monkey asses down! You will pay fuckers; YOU WILL PAY!!!!!!!!!"
When word of Dr. Ken's statement got back to the simians, an ugly scene was played out. Refrigerators were ravaged, sacrifices were made, and jars of the doctor's petroleum jelly were uncerimoniously dumped out a nearby window with such gusto, battle cries of "Monkeys HO" (in monkey-talk, of course) could not even be heard over the resonating thud.
As this riveting story of love, betrayal, and monkey stool continues to unravel, you can bet Gilroy Humperdink will be there to fill you in on all the juicy details of this increasingly titilating college campus war.