COME ON BABY LIGHT MY FIRE!
Fitzsimmons Goes Down In A Blaze Of Glory
Churchill, Manitobab (CCKP) -- Tragedy has struck Churchill folks; the campuses largest Genetic Engineering facility has gone up in flames! The facility, home to the Genetic Overseers Departent (G.O.D.), was Dr. Ken's brain child. But much more upsetting is that Shaun Fitzsimmons, Director of Personal Relations, has perished in the blazing inferno! Our beloved 'Fitz', who gave up so much of his dignity to put a smile on our faces, has died.
It seems the fire started last night at approximately 9:30pm, local time. A night course instructed by the geneteekial Dr. Ken was just about to wrap up. That was, until someone smelled the ardent aroma of smoke. I'll throw it to Dr. Ken now to fill us in on exactly what happened.
"....I was just about to finish up my class on David Koresh/Professional Bullshitting cross breeding when little Mikey startled the class with in a blood curling scream -- "I smell smoooooooooooke!". "No shit Sherlock!", I smart-assly replied. Panic just overcame the class; everyone started to run. Seeing how I didn't want to lose my life's work, I picked up my test tubes and got the hell out of there; I wasn't going to sacrifice my life for a bunch of 40 year-old ankle biters!"
When I asked him if he knew who was behind this act of chicanery, Dr. Ken curtly replied, "I know this for a god-dammned truth, the monkeys are behind this. Fact of the matter is though, Boo Boo, Rinky Dinky, Thor, you just wait! Come hell or high water monkeys, I will tear you apart.....and eat 'cha for dinna'! Your day of reckoning will come, you just wait! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!"
Maybe we should try for, as we call it in journalism school, "an unbiased view". Here is little Mikey:
"...We were finishing our work when I smelled smoke. I screamed. The whole class was up and running about. Everyone started to head for the exit when we heard a yelping noise. All of us turned around, and it was Fitz. See, Fitz was here cause he was taking the Doctor's class. Well, I guess he saw how we were all scared and that, so I guess he decided to try to take our minds off the fire and stuff. So in front of all of us he pulled a #2, right there in his desk! I heard stories and that from elementry but, wow, in my class? I couldn't believe it -- I felt so honored! Once again, Fitz showed no shame. But we were like, "this isn't the time Fitz, just hide your shame and run!" But he wouldn't listen. He insisted on staying in his seat until "the countdown" was done. So we had to leave him there. We couldn't risk spreading the fire even more with the doors open. Plus we had to save our own asses. Man, that Fitz is some brave dude!"
O.K. So Shaun Fitzsimmons is inside a burning building, got that? Good. Anyway, the Whoop-Ass Brigade came, and in their view seeing how everyone was apparantly safe, began to lock up the doors and windows with the hopes of stopping the spread of the fire to other parts of the campus. With the hoses erect and aimed in the direction of the building, the Brigade began to extinguish the fire. (Note: During this whole rigamaroo, the campus's own fire department was in Ars, Iran, putting out a small brushfire that got out of hand.) But the hot red flames would have none of it -- the firey inferno just continued to grow with each passing second! Then it happened.
A weeping murmur was heard. A brigadier, suspicious of what tickled his eardrum, put down his hose and began to investigate. Within seconds it was clear what he heard. FITZ!!! It seems Fitzsimmons finally did something "normal." Fitz actually went to the door to try to escape the flames! Amazing isn't it? Unfortunately, Fitz was too slow in deciding his fate as the door was closed from the inside trapping the oblivious freak. However, the quick thinking Brigadier seized the moment, taking his trusty ax and began to wail away at the door. Moments later a hole was made for Fitz to crawl through.
"Crawl through little buddy!", the brigadier said.
"Okey dokey ding dong" , Fitz responded.
"Christ. Who is this loser I'm risking my life to save?", the brigadier was rumoured to have been thinking.
And so he tried to escape the now blazing inferno.
"I'm stuck! I can't fit my stomach through the hole!", Fitz said.
It seems all those years of eating greasy potato chips as his only source of dietary fibre has backfired for Fitzimmons. His rotund gut strained to get through the hole:
"It's as if it took on a life of its own", the Brigadier said.
Rolls of tissue low-on-protein/high-on-fat mercilessly struggled to jiggle their way around the jagged edges of the escape route. But alas, it was to no avail. Fitz was stuck for good, and losing patience.
"Get me out of here you stoopid f*ck! If I get my hands on you I'll......"
"I can't hear ya buddy. The flames are too much. I have to leave ya buddy. May the unholy Chancellor take pity on you. Good luck Fitz, good luck! You're secret is safe with me."
And so it ended as quickly as it began. With a fell swoop, a roofing beam came hurtling down from what seemd as high as the heavens, crashing onto Fitz's unaware scull throwing him into the world of unconsciousness. While seconds later, flames engulfed Fitz's limp body. The scene was disturbing to say the least.
But hey!!!!!!!! Look on the bright side. Fitz's brothel of cats were rescued by "Big Daddy." Professor Armstrong was never one to let a pussy get away. Three cheers for Big Daddy!!!
HO, HO, HOOOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah, yeah, I know. Enough of this sex-oo-al inuendo and back to the story.
Kitty Del Ray, newly appointed dispatcher for the Whoop-Ass Brigade's central camp in Churchill had this to say:
"Yeah dear, we still aren't done investigating. We have several ideas though dear , as to who is responsible. Listen dear, we aren't taking anything for granted. Right now dear, we're just gonna focus our attention on the evidence at hand. And that is that we have none. Fitzsimmons is dead and so are a bunch of innocent chickens, dear! So go bite me arse!"
Perhaps Kitty was referring to the picture I snapped of a mysterious figure fleeing the scene. Or, perhaps Kitty was referring to a calling card that this astute journalist found at Chef Tito Conchita's meatlocker across the street. Now let's see, what did it say. Oh yeah, I remember now. It took a minute though. I was busy bitin' me arse!
The card said: "This act of civil disobedience was brought to you by the C.L.O. in cooperation with the letter H, numbers 5 through 78,426 and the insane medical monkeys. Ho!"
All this evidence leads me to believe that in the coming weeks, a lot of interesting stuff will be going on. Dr. Ken, Boo Boo and his simian associates, The Whoop-Ass Brigade, I suggest you all to watch your back and beware. I sense something strong in the distance that we all should fear.
Now ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the "obligatory obituary cause your boss said so" type of obituary. You know, Shaun Fitzsimmon's meant so much to so many. He affected each and everyone of us in his own little way. He'll forever be remembered. The traditional burial at sea is scheduled for Wednesday at 8 a.m. Goodbye little man.
Till next time. Toot-a-loo!