Churchill, Manitoba (CCKP) -- Breaking news from the CCK's revamped Medical wing -- the cure for SCAVIES has been found! Finally, the torture is over!
According to an excerpt from an ancient manuscript Boo Boo dug up out behind the toolshed (titled "Grandma Mabel's Old-Time Fixer-Uppers"), the cure for Scavies is as follows:
This process is good for pregnant women, but could bring on an abortion if the dosage is too strong.
- Apply a grease made of tar, salt, sulphur, lard, and soot from the stove to affected area.
- Drink kerosene mixed with molasses.
- Drink a syrup made of brown sugar and the juice of lamb droppings.
- Put on a camisole of red flannel.
- Apply a salve prepared according to the following method: scrape a branch of the elder tree; to this scrapiong add one-half pound of butter, one-half pound of shortening, and a small lump of borax.
- Rub head often, and roughly, with a cloth.
- Chew a piece of newspaper.
- Apply chewing tobacco spittle.
- Apply heavy thick cream, the older the better.
- Apply urine.
- Carry a pumpkin stalk in your pocket.
- Wind an eel-skin tightly around the neck.
- Eat charcoal from the stove.
- Light a match, extinguish it, and chew the burned end.
- Spit on a stone, then throw it as far as possible into another field.
- Apply bacon rinds.
- Say seven times without taking a breath, "I have Scavies. God gave them to me. They are gone."
- Soak feet in warm water.
- Blow smoke in the ear.
- Drink three eggs.
- Rub pieces of potato and some pepper into the hair.
- Perform an enema.
- Eat pumpkin seeds.
- Using wedges, split an ash tree lengthwise, without cutting it down or killing it, and open it enough so that the infected person can pass through; then have the infected person pass through this hole, then close the ash tree, wrapping it around to cure it. When the tree is cured, so is the person.