OUTBREAK AT THE CCK! Scavies Epidemic Erupts On Campus Churchill, Manitoba (CCKP) -- Yes, you've read it right folks, an epidemic has erupted at the CCK's central campus in beautiful Churchill, Manitoba. The dreaded son of a bitch parasite known to us wilderness folk as has taken over the college! The details of this bug's terrorous reign are still sketchy, but we believe the symptoms of are very much the same as its infamous cousin Scabies; the only difference being (and here's the kicker), is that is not transmitted by human-to-human bodily contact, oh no! In actuality, it is believed that is contracted after coming in contact with a moose's bare ass! Now like we said, the details on are still quite sketchy, so we're a little tounge-tied as to what to report, and since our friend, the moose, is the primary source of transportation here at the CCK, we should all pay close attention to the following: It has long been known that toilet training a moose is a long and grueling process, requiring many years of strenuous cooperation by both parties. It has come to my attention though, that while researching this outbreak, no one has ever actually toilet trained a moose, not even Amos Pearson, professor of Moose Jockying. This inability to do so has led to the situation we're currently in. Back to the though. Inside the moose's stool, trace amounts of blood contain unusually low amounts of a rare hemoglobin. When the stool comes in contact with the air, an out-of-this-world oxidation occurs. Soon after, parasites begin to grow both in and out of the moose's rectal area. It is when the jockey attempts to wipe the "excess" does the problem arise and within days of contact, the symptoms begin to show. Hopefully can be defeated. We have dedicated medical staff that are working around the clock to try to combat this "situation." Since the symptoms only tend to manifest in the host for 10-12 days, the campus should be up and running with full steam ahead in no time. It's a good thing the annual "SPRING FLING" is being staged this week lowering the number of students at the dorms and facilities on the campus; otherwise the campus would be shut down well into the sunny days of May. For more information on the subject of mooses, and a little more insight into the cause of , or as he calls it, the "moose sickness", visit Amos Pearson's page. Please, bear with us during these trying times.