Written by Old Lady Kensington.
Edited by Jules "Big Daddy" Armstrong.
HELLO, MY PRETTIES!!!
It was a tough harvest last year. I only managed to pull in sixty-nine barrels of turnip as compared to double that a year ago.(It's Big Daddy here. If my math is correct, that would make Old Lady Kensington one dirty gardener! Ho!) It sure doesn't compare to the harvest of '83 though. If it hadn't of been for those pesky polar bears eating all the veggies, I may have won the regional gardening contest and went on to national fame as a world renowned horticulturist.(Did Old Lady just call herself a whore?)
I'm looking out my room's window. I see the young'uns running around the courtyard. I remember a time when I was that age.(I sure don't. Nor do I want to!) I was in tremendous shape then, and still am now. Why, I betcha' I can still out-wrestle a grizzly. (Yeah, right. That's like sayin' your campus conductor offers free boarding passes!) I had the body of a greek godess.(Big Daddy here. Godess? I've seen pictures of Old Lady Kensington in a bathing suit. It looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick. Twice!) All the young gentlemen would try to take me to the square dances and court me. (court? This is Big Daddy talkin'. I believe the phrase Old Lady's trying to use is, "to shake her groooooooove thang!") Then, they'd hitch me up on the wagon and take me for a ride I'd never forget!.(I can't believe I just encouraged the bag do shake her groooooooove thang!)
In my title above, (I don't want to loook up there. Big Daddy's gettin' scaaaared!) it states that I'm involved in Combat Bra Manufacturing. In actuallity, I teach on the finer points of the construction and design phases of the process. It never hurts to learn the basics (Let's see. A, B, C, D, Double D, Triple D.....) before you move on to the intracacies (Satin, lace, velcro..) of the project. My class will place store bought brazieres up against CCK manufacured Combat Bras and put them through a series of tests ranging from strength, elasticity, durability, and endurance. (Sounds like my kind of competition!)
Nevertheless, the goal of my course is to teach people to give more respect to women everywhere and to appreciate the sacrifices they make not only for their families but for society as well. (Respect? To women? Uh, Big Daddy's gotta leave. See ya!) It will be through this coperative that my students will be able to carry on and function in a productive and meaningful manner that will be beneficial to the community as a whole.