Tina Louise's reaction when Lionel K. informed her she was a 'Linguistick Neophyte' -- Lionel's note --
Now I know that since you can't read yourself out of a Dr. Seus book someone is obviously dictating this to you. So, listen up.


The Linguisticks I instruct is a revolutionary teaching concept combining modern slang with the English, Newfie, and Yiddish languages. While I'm not going to guarantee that you'll be able to skip five or six reading levels, I am going to guarantee that you will be able to spell organtuin backwards (niutnagro) within just days of entering my class.

Hello!But I don't let any smart-ass bum enrol into one of my classes! No way. Each semester I carefully scan & select who I am and am not going to allow in my class Therefore, if you want to get in, you've got to take a little test, courtesy of course, of Lionel K. But, because I am such a nice fair and judicious fellow, I'll give you a little preview of what to expect. Look down below.


Keep looking......

Have you ever had problems reading the sign to the "gents" room, reading those dirty articles in Daddy's magazines, or trouble forging that birth control prescription?   If so, you might be DUMB!!! Or, what those commie bastards at the Lenningrad School of Higher Perestroika Learning might say,"illiterate". Anyhow, if you have found yourself smack-dab in the middle of any of the situations listed below, you might need my help.

  • Mistaking Uncle Pete's fungal cream as toothpaste.

  • Thinking you are native to Cuban and pronouncing the country as "Cooba."

  • Mistaking gluesticks for pop-up candy suckers.

  • Ordering a truck-load of second hand toilet paper from the classifieds and thinking you're getting a good deal on office stationary.

  • Exiting instead of entering.

  • Purchasing a t-shirt for your father that reads "World's Smallest Schlong!" instead of "World's Greatest Dad!"

  • Entering instead of exiting.

  • Spelling your name "jackass" and being proud of it.

  • Smoking cigarettes while pregnant thinking it will promote embryo development.

  • Assuming a 911 phone call is an emergency porn line for sex deprived paramedics.

  • Waiting in line for six hours in hopes of selecting a seat.

  • Joining the local shriners's club thinking you're getting free tickets to the circus.

If you want, you can E-mail the fine Professor.
Be sure to start off your message with "YO, YO, YO, let me speak on this...."
Professor Lionel K. Humphry