Domestic Animal Taxidermy. Ah, the love of my life; it's what keeps ol' Sethy boy's homefires burnin'. This course ain't no push over. Stuffin' cats, dogs, lizards, and hampsters isn't as easy as it looks. First you have to catch the blasted varmit. Whoever said the bastards had to be dead? Either crack him on the noggin' with your 10½-inch hammer or stomp a mudhole in him with your steel toe workboot.
Then you have to take him to the woodchipper and tear off those private parts. This gets a little messy so I'd advise you to wearin' a pair of those protective goggle glasses like the Baron used to use. Did I ever tell you the story of when I lived in Europe and he came over one night for dinner? No? Good. I forget how the bloody story goes anyway.
All right. Once you get them privates cut you gotta skin him a new asshole. This is so you can stuff them duck feathers up his arse-end and make'em look all nice and fluffy.
Playin' the dentist comes next. Take your 2¼-inch pliers and rip out some teeth from a grizzly carcass; hell, their only good for their hides and gall bladders anyway. So shove them pearly whites in his mouth, but be sure to use a high-grade epoxy as the gluing agent. The cheap shit just doesn't cut it. And to top the bugger off, spread on a coat of that X-3D Wood Stain; that'll shine her up!
Well that's it boys. Domestic Animal Taxidermy; nature's animal control.
- Seth Hackenschmidt