This is one of the more lengthy courses here at the CCK so it's best to get out a paper and pen and write some notes down or, just get MUMMIE to read it and have her give you an in-depth presentation and summary. Your choice. Quite frankly, the Len-man doesn't care.
Right off the bat, a degree in Professional Bullshitting is the prerequisite and a must. Come to think of it, a stint in a medium security penitentary wouldn't hurt either. Nevertheless, unless you have both you might as well just keep your lard-ass home in that shanty town of yours and continue to promote cow-patty bingo for the seniors!
Now that that's cleared up, on with the show. Like I said earlier, the course is pretty long. So, I figured it would be easier on both you and me (but mostly me) if I just make a list of what I'm going to teach during the duration of the school year.
- Mind control, manipulation, intimidation, and other forms of psychological warfare.
- Speech therapy. With the help of Professor Lionel K. Humphry, Dept. Head of Linguisticks, I'll teach you how to talk so fast no one - and I mean absolutely no one - will be able to understand a single word you're saying; except of course for you and your acid-tongued mother.
- Through one-on-one sessions with Randolph Cornelius III (or any other of those damned monkeys running the joint) your mind will be whipped into such a frenzy you won't have a clue what hit you.
- Which leads me to my next point. I'll take you on down to see "Crusher" Van Nostrem, the CCK's own badboy of the squared circle. There, you'll put on a pair of gloves. In the meantime, we'll strap you onto a secure fence pole. While you're still wondering why you're even there, "Crusher" and myself will launch a full scale attack on your momma's boy ass. The goal here is that we'll have pounded on you so hard you won't remember jackshit. This is simply a precautionary measure so when push comes to shove, you'll have a credible defense for what you are about to do that'll stand up in court. See, I guess the Lenmister cares about his students afterall!
- How to forge contracts with both your fighters and with high and lofty television executives.
- Passport forgery is also on the agenda. You can never have enough illegally landed aliens to "do the job" when time calls.
- Just in case your capital investments dry up, I'll teach you how to create new and inventive ways of replenishing your cash flow with a "Steps to Success" program detailing trade secrets on rum-running and money laundering. Attendance is manditory.
- Professor Jules Armstrong will then get in on the action with a workshop on Stylin' and Profilin', Big Daddy style!
- Next, it's off to the hairdresser. Here you'll learn how to get the most out of your hair. Whoever said eight inch tall doo's went out of style in the 70's?
- Last of all and most important, I'll instruct you on how to bribe both unregistered and inexperienced judicial officials. Greasing the palms has never been easier when you're dealing with people who flip burgers as a day job!
And that's the course.
Well, I'm off. It's time for my 4 o'clock with Ira.
- Lenny Horowitz