Our state-of-the-art printing press. Stop the presses!

The CCKPress has long been regarded as the source for students, publishing the most widely-read news stories on campus. The CCKPress strives for journalistic excellance. Our journalists have played an integral part in chronicling the events that have touched down on campus -- who could ever forget the ORGANTUIN scare our very own Gilroy Humperdink reported on, causing many a student to flee in fear.

The Press has never missed a day's work; well, except for the day there was no electricity 'cause cousin jimmy's pet croc' bit into an electrical wire. It's dedication like this that has become our trademark.

We quickly became identified with the causes of the average student - the moose jockeys, urinal cake distributors and distributees, professional bullshitters, and the newly arrived exchange students found throughout the campus. The CCKPress has had a tradition of trying to bring the news of the campus to its students.

To read some of our best reports of the past, click "News" on the menu bar at the bottom of the screen. But right now, we're gonna' introduce you to our four journalists; the men who put their lives on the line every day to report the news. Enjoy.

Hap Torbay From atop a sea shanty is where Hap is most comfortable. "Yes, I enjoy relaxing up here. Every 3 hours the nurse -- Athena as I like to call her -- she comes up and and lathers my body in Amazonian oils."  When not relaxing, Hap is the consumate workhorse, never straying too far away from the scoop, or his powerful and mesmorizing prose, for that matter, "It just comes naturally, like a rabid lioness in heat, stalking down her mate."

'Wild' Bill Ciccone "Wild" Bill has fond memories of how he got his nickname, "It was back in kindergarten. I killed a crabbit and then ripped it apart with my forteeth." Sadism no longer an option in a bustling university, Bill has resorted to Perisian bum-darts as a way to release frustrations and stress. "It helps, but it still doesn't beat the feel of a good crabbit hide betweeen your teeth."

T.C. Sparling T.C is new to the investigative reporting field. "Yeah, I'm still wet behind the ears." His mother states otherwise, "that yank is a total ass!"
"I like to get my information straight from the source" says T.C., "but it's hard sometimes when you drop the ball on the floor, then you're screwed for the rest of the day. And believe me when I say it, you don't want to see Lady Terriaki's bad side! "

Gilroy Humperdink Gilroy has been at the forefront of news reporting since the tender age of 4. "Pop always said I was a good talker", comments Gilroy. From his humble beginnings reporting crocodile death matches in the playground, to his high profile report on an ORGANTUIN scare this past spring, Gilroy remains grounded. "I just think positively, like integers in math. Except not negatives, cause their bad, eh."