Lesson #1 -- keep your eyes on the apple at ALL times.  All times guys! You know guys, I vas once told to never take something fwum a stwanger. "....Not even candy", vummy vould say to her vittle Billy. Venty years vent by until I finally couldn't take it anymore. One day a stwanger offered vittle billy an apple, and yeah, Billy took it!

Oh great wonderous ally of grocery store produce, where have yee been?
-Hap Torbay, CCKP reporter

My apple was not only the perfect shade of red and yummy in my tummy, but stunning to the naked eye. Hours and hours that poor vittle Singaporean slave girl must have spent on its lusterous shine. But hey guys, life's a bitch so vat can you do?   And so the days vent by, just billy and his apples vith no noticement from vummy at all until she vas giving me a bath and noticed a core in my bum. Boy oh boy guys, vas vummy upset at her little peach pit there! But after I told her I vas just following Dr. Ken's orders of "shove an apple up your ass and go drown yourself", she vas a vittle more understanding.

In my class guys, ve are gonna have some vun! I just hooked us up vith a polisher on loan fwum the bowling alley and an apple corer fwum Chef Tito. No more of vose "accidents" right guys?

And as a pweliminawy warm-up to my class, here's something for you to think about.  If the early bird gets the worm and the early bird also gets the apple, vat does that leave vittle billy vith then, huh?

- Billy Schtalenkov